Friendships.

I've never been a very good friend.  I've always kept most people at arms length & tried to pretend I don't care that much.  It was my defense mechanism.  If I didn't care, then they couldn't hurt me, right?

Except not.

Doing those things hurt both of us.

And when those friends decided to hang with other people who would actually put themselves out there, I was back to the drawing board.  It became easier to just not have friends.  When I did have them, I pushed them away in one way or another.

Now, if you know me in real life, that may sound really weird-- I am always around people.  But those deep, real, lasting friendships... I've just never been good at them.

My little girl has no problem putting herself out there to new friends.

Three years ago when we moved here Josh begged me to make friends.  He had (& has) a zillion friends-- good friends.  People that he could call at 2am?  Practically his entire phone book.

I told him I would try.

And I have.

It's taken me awhile, but I feel like I'm finally getting there.  I've had really great examples, and have taken note.  People around here are crazy good at friendships.  There's a few people I know that keep freezer meals on hand to take to someone in need at the drop of a hat.  Sure, they feed their family with them, too, but they always have extra & they're always the first to offer when a need arises, even if they don't know the person!


Am I great at this whole friendship thing?  Ha!  Not really.  I'm getting better, though.  I'm not a super attentive person.  I make a point not to pry in other people's business.  But sometimes being a friend means prying.  It makes me uncomfortable, but I'm working on it.  It is not in my nature to go running to the hospital as soon as the baby is born. I'm a 3 week later type of person-- let you get settled in-- wait until it's convenient for you-- bring frozen pizza so you have something easy to cook whenever you're hungry.  But you know what?  If no one visits at the hospital, that's pretty lonely!  If I'm constantly waiting for it to be convenient for everyone, then it's likely to never happen.

A few weeks ago I was chatting with some friends & we realized how fragile we all really are.  If we're not invited to something that our friends are, we start wondering why.  What's wrong with me?  Why don't they like me?  Why are they trying to exclude me? I thought we were friends?  But the fact of the matter is, everyone can't get invited all the time.  You can't invite all of our friends out every time you want to go to dinner.  It's unreasonable.  You can't invite everyone to a birthday party, or movie night, or vacation.  Does it hurt?  Yeah, it can really hurt.  But one common thing seems to keep popping up.  Do you invite everyone to everything?  When was the last time you invited that person to something?  How can you expect them to invite you when you don't make the same effort?

Put yourself out there.  Yes, you will get hurt.  But you'll also experience all the great benefits of friendship.  If you're going to feel hurt either way, at least experience some great joy & fun times!

I should end with a disclaimer.  I'm not perfect.  I've been a terrible friend to many, and I'm sure I'll make many more mistakes in the future.  In the meantime, I'm going to continue to put myself out there & try.

Battles, Guilt, and Thankfulness.

When we were packing up to move Josh found a few pieces of paper covered in my handwriting.  I grabbed it from him & hid while reading it.  I was a little scared of what it might say, and when I read it, I was speechless.  I just sat in the floor for about 15 minutes thinking.

I wish I could write it here because it was stellar writing.  It was deep & intense.  Too intense to share.

The gist: I've always had issues with self worth.  Insecurity.

I wrote about times in elementary school that I feared my friends secretly disliked me.  It went on to middle school when two girls pointed at a picture of me at a pool party & laughed at my swimsuit & my fat tummy.  I still remember their names.  It continued throughout high school.  At that point I was so insecure that I made it nearly impossible to really be my friend.  Sure, I had girls that I hung out with all the time, but I always wondered if they even really liked being my friend.

Honestly, I still wonder.  I mean, on one hand, how could they have even liked the person I was back then?  The person I am now?  And on the other hand, the fact that they continued to hang out with me probably means they were the best of friends... because I sure didn't make it easy for them.

It's always been easy to say, "Oh, I'd rather hang out with the guys... they're less drama."  It's true.  I never felt that insecurity around the guys.  They were pretty direct.  But truthfully, it was a cop-out because I hated being so insecure.  It was uncomfortable.

By college I shut all my friends out.  I was working two jobs & taking extra classes to graduate early.  I got married after my sophomore year & then added on a 30 minutes commute.  It was easier to just not have friends.

Over & over, insecurity has reared its ugly head.  I'll have a great stride for awhile & then fall apart.  I'll put on the brave face & laugh it off.  If I face my fears enough, they have to go away, right?

And then enters the guilt.

How silly am I to be so obsessed with this?  There are people with real needs, real problems.  And I'm over here worried that the whole world secretly hates me.

Also, I have a ton of friends that I know I can call at a moments notice & they will totally be right there for me.  They would drop everything, and I would for them.

How selfish am I?  How selfish am I to think that so many people spend so much time thinking about me?  I'm like an ant on this earth.  I should be incredibly thankful for the amazing friends I have.

And I am.  I'm very thankful.

Every day I'm reminded of just how faithful God is.  When we moved to Virginia three years ago, Josh told me he wanted me to make female friends here.  Friends to hang out with, to really get to know.  I agreed, but really didn't put any effort into it.  I'm so thankful that others put that effort into me.

I still find it hard to call up someone just to chat.  In fact, I don't.  And it's still hard for me to believe that someone would want to spend time with me just for fun.  But slowly I'm starting to get over that.  I have to.  And I'm thankful for that.

Love who you are.

Comparison is the thief of joy. -Theodore Roosevelt

There are a lot of contradicting messages out there to soak in.  Pinterest is full of amazing decorations, parties, lunches, etc.  There are countless blog posts from moms practically bragging that they don't have it all together... that their house is messy & their kids ate Doritos for dinner.  And don't even get me started on parenting tirades covering everything from infant sleep to breastfeeding to discipline.

Here's the thing.  I'm definitely not an 'everyone gets a trophy' type of person, but sometimes, that's just the way it is. This world needs all types, so please, find your type & go with it!

Love who you are.

And instead of cutting someone else down or making it seem uncool... appreciate it.  Appreciate them.  Celebrate whatever it is.

If you are great at decorating, awesome.  Please always take pictures & post them on Pinterest!  Yes, be a show off.  Be proud of yourself.  And the rest of us need to cheer you on.

Is you house constantly messy?  Are you okay with it?  If so, then embrace it.  Don't skip over posting a cute picture of your kid because the background is messy.  Your kid is cute, so celebrate it.  And the rest of us need to celebrate it, too.

Is your kid not sleeping?  Sure-- search the interwebs for some ideas!  But also, remember that every kid is different.  I found a method that worked absolutely wonderful for my kid and yes, I would highly suggest you use it for yours.  But you may choose another route & that's okay.  It's the beauty of having your own kid-- you get to craft him/her into a tiny human that you like.

I could go on & on.  Every mom could.  It's a constant barrage of messages we're met with each day. 

So I'm working to do my part & I hope you do, too!  What's your part, you ask?

Each time I feel myself thinking too much about something, I think of a way to celebrate it. 

Does someone's Facebook post bother you?  Find a way to celebrate.  See a friend who just had a baby & looks amazing?  (WAY more amazing than you ever did after having a baby?)  Celebrate it.  Share in her joy.  Really truly celebrate.

Comparison is the thief of joy because there is no comparison.  We're just not all the same.  You can't compare yourself to an 18 year old version of you, or a 34 year old version of anyone else.

Love who you are.

Celebrate others.

Survival. What I really felt the first 10 months of motherhood.

Sixteen months.  That's how old Hazelnut is now.  Looking back, I can't believe I lived through those first 10 months!  In a lot of ways, it was easy.  We bonded well & she got into a great schedule that worked really well for her.  She's generally a happy kid & is completely adorable.  No major sickness, either, which is huge!

But then on the other hand, it was really tough.  Mommy guilt was (and still is!) awful.  Terrible.  I tried to keep it at bay, but it was really hard.  Guilt that I couldn't get her to nurse.  Guilt that I didn't make enough milk.  Guilt that I couldn't hold her because I was pumping.  Guilt that I was playing online while pumping instead of looking at her.  Guilt that she had formula.  Guilt that I just wasn't sure what formula was best & hadn't done enough research to make a well-informed decision.  Guilt that I watched my favorite TV show instead of playing with her.  Guilt that it felt nice when she went down for a nap.  Guilt that I didn't have a 5 course meal prepared for her after her nap.

You get the idea.

It wasn't rational guilt.  It was all really high-strung emotions.  I was an emotional wreck for 10 months straight.  I remember driving in the car more than once & thinking "I shouldn't be driving right now.  I'm not in a good mental state."

My head was in a fog for 10 months straight.  I'm not really sure what it was.  I wasn't sad or depressed.  I had a great bond with Hazelnut, and I felt very loved & surrounded with support.  Overwhelming amounts of support from friends & family!  And Hazelnut slept through the night, so it wasn't from a lack of sleep.  I was just in a constant fog.  I couldn't think clearly.  I was just going through the motions of life.  Just trying to get through & make it until the next day without totally falling apart.

I also didn't lose any baby weight during this time.  I felt gross & fat all the time.  Constantly on the verge of tears.  I had friends that quickly lost all their weight, breastfed easily, and went on about their lives.  I felt like I'd just left the hospital.

I'd planned to take one month for maternity leave.  After a week I called my boss in tears & asked for an extra month, which she quickly agreed to, thankfully.

At 3 months I remember thinking, "I shouldn't still be in a fog."

At 6 months I started to feel it lift a little.  I started to feel just a little bit like myself again.  Just a glimpse.

At 10 months I finally threw in the towel with nursing.  I'd made it so far, fighting tooth & nail for every single ounce.  I felt far more overwhelmed than I did the night we brought Hazelnut home.  I just couldn't do it anymore.

And then it started to lift.  Little by little, the fog started to clear.  It still took months.  And crazy enough, I'm just now really feeling like myself.  She's sixteen months old!

Honestly, I've never heard of anyone else dealing with this, but I'm sure I'm not the first one.  So mama... if this is you, hang in there.  It does get better.  The fog will lift one day.

I still haven't lost all the weight... I'm 17 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  And writing all this down really brought back a flood of emotions.  But I survived.  I'm here.  And the fog is lifting.

Vaccines: The long, nitty gritty post that every parent should read.

So I finally did it.  I sat down & typed out my thoughts & feelings about vaccines.  I hope it spurs on other parents to do their own research!  The best source of information I found has been The Vaccine Book by Dr. Sears.  It goes through each of the most common vaccines & goes over the following points:

-What is the disease?

-Is the disease common?

-When is the vaccine given?

-How is the vaccine made? (If there are multiple manufacturers, it goes over each one.)

-What ingredients are in the final vaccine solution?
-Are any of the ingredients controversial?

-Any combination shots it can be given with.

-What are the side effects of the vaccine? (Common side effects, severe reactions, postmarketing surveillance, and a summary of reactions.)

-Reasons to get the vaccine.

-Why some people choose not to give the vaccine.

-Options to consider.

-'The Way I See It'- his personal opinion.

Although he is a pro-vaccination kind of guy, I found the book very informative.  There is a lot of his personal opinion in there, but it gave me a jumping off point for my research.  Ingredients were one area that totally confused me.  I would hear that certain ingredients were bad-- but how much is actually in the vaccine, and why is it bad?  He explains that.  It's a lot better than trying to wade through zillions of websites trying to figure out which ones are legitimate and which ones are ridiculous (there are many on both sides).

Okay, so here it is... my thoughts on vaccines:

I believe that it is the parents who need to make decisions for the well-being of their own child, not the state or country.  Furthermore, I believe that EVERY parent should research each vaccine & decide along with a trusted doctor as to what is the best plan for their individual child.  I strongly believe that many parents do very little research, or none at all, regarding vaccines, and that is horrible.  If you are injecting something into your child's body, you need to be researching about it and make an informed decision.  I also believe that two people doing the exact same research can come to very different conclusions.  There is nothing wrong with vaccinating your child, or not vaccinating your child-- so long as you make an informed decision and are prepared for the consequences of your decision & how it will affect you & your child.

Now, as far as effectiveness.  Vaccines are not 100% effective, just like having the disease doesn't guarantee that you'll never get it again (even with things like Chicken Pox).  Personally, I don't want my daughter to have the flu or chicken pox, but I would rather her get the actual sickness than the vaccine because of the risks involved with both.

There is also very little research regarding vaccines, and none of them are from unbiased resources.  This doesn't mean that they aren't harmful, but it also doesn't confirm that they are safe.  Did you know that for the Hep B vaccine that is given AT BIRTH that the research was funded by the vaccine manufacturers & some of the researchers were subsequently hired by the manufacturers, GlaxoSmithKline and Merck?  Some of the CDC members who voted it be added to the infant vaccine schedule received funding from the manufacturer as well.  That doesn't prove anything, but it does represent a huge conflict of interest.  Furthermore, Hep B isn't even a childhood disease.  It is transferred from the mom during birth, through blood transfusions, or through blood contact.  To me, that just seems fishy.  There is not compelling reason to give it to them, especially at birth, so why is it pushed so much?

Then there is the Rotavirus vaccine.  It was taken off of the market in 1999 because of the high risk of intussusception (never mind that 1 in 1000 infants had a seizure after getting it).  Before it was taken off the market, it was on the recommended vaccine schedule.  So all parents following the regular vaccine schedule at that time gave their child that vaccine, that was actually deemed unsafe in the end.  So how much is that happening now?  The flu vaccine is new every year.  It would be over & done with before it could even be taken off the market.

But what about if your child gets the chicken pox of rotavirus?  Boy, is it ever going to stink!  A parent has to take off work & avoid social activities & who knows- it could fall during a planned vacation.  But that is part of it if one chooses against certain (or all) vaccines.  It's important to consider how close & available a hospital or doctors office is as well.  Most places in the US, I would venture to say, are within a reasonable distance.

Regarding other children, it's actually a risk on both sides.  When a non vaccinated child is around another child or adult who has been vaccinated recently, for many of the vaccines there is something called shedding.  That means that for a period of time afterwards (it's different with each one), there is a likelihood that they can pass that sickness on to others.  So for anyone who hasn't had the flu shot, working alongside others who have had it, they are at a higher risk of getting the flu than if their co-worker had never gotten the shot.  Because vaccines have been pushed so much, everyone looks at the non-vaccinated & say "why aren't you doing it, too?"  But the reality is, everyone should be allowed to make their own decisions.  That goes for public school, too.  Instead of saying "you have to vaccinate your kids for them to come" why don't they say, "You have to vaccinate your kid to get them into private school... public school is for everyone else!"  It's just a paradigm shift.

So there it is... an overview of my thoughts on vaccines. It's a bit exhausting to research everything I do with my daughter (ear piercing, vaccines, the food I feed her, etc), but I feel that it is part of being a parent.  And the thing is, vaccines are constantly changing, so research is never really done.

One final thought.  Don't treat others differently for their decisions.  Don't treat their kids differently.  Consider each person as a human being with real thoughts & feelings... after all, that's what they are!

Entitlement, Hard Work, and AFAB

Admittedly, I haven't kept up with the whole Wall Street protest thing.  As I researched to find out what it was all about, it seems to me that the actual movement may have something to it, but 99% of the people involved probably aren't smart enough to understand the intricacies of it.  I know I'm not.

So this post isn't really about the whole Occupy Wall Street thing because I can't really make an informed statement about it.

This post is more about entitlement.  My generation is often called 'the generation of entitlement' and that is not in a good context.  I admit, I have a sense of entitlement that I have to keep in check.  I feel that I've worked hard, made good grades, done the right things, made wise choices, and therefore I should be able to afford to buy a house instead of live in this tiny apartment.  I mean, I have a lot of friends that didn't work as hard or make as good of grades.  They partied through college & they already have houses...

But the thing is, we can't afford a house right now.  We're saving up, and although we feel like we should be at a point where we can buy a house, we just aren't yet.  The end.

Whose fault is it?  Well, it's not anyone's fault... it's just a fact.  It's not the government's fault, and it's not the bank's fault.  It's just not in the cards yet.  Big whoop.  I still have a roof over my head & money to pay the rent every month, so life really isn't all that bad!  Yes, I want better than what I have right now, but I'm very grateful for what I have.

I've seen this flying around Facebook & it really struck me:

I could have written this myself.  Other than a few minor details, this is my story.  I still can't figure it out, but somehow I knew from kindergarten that I needed to make good grades to get a scholarship to go to college.  There were 5 kids in my family & I was expected to go to college ('cause Lord knows I wasn't going to cut it in the family construction business!).  In order to go to college, I had to get scholarships.  I was terrible at sports, so everything was riding on my good grades.  Luckily, I was good in school, formed good study habits, and graduated in the top 5% of my senior class.

All but my room & board were covered in scholarships at the modest state school I went to.  It was a university & provided a fine (although quite liberal) education.  My parents were able to (& gladly) covered my room & board.  I maintained a 3.8 throughout college & graduated a semester early.  I also got married after my sophomore year, so my parents no longer paid room & board because Josh & I were paying rent instead.

By the time I graduated I was making much better than minimum wage.  I started at a counseling center filing paperwork & worked my way up until they trained me to actually work with clients to reach their therapy goals.  We did have debt, so Josh & I both took to working nights at Domino's delivering pizzas.

Then?  Then God called us to move to Atlanta & we both pretty much started over job-wise.  And did you know that between delivering pizza's & working as a nanny for 20 hours a week, you can live in Alpharetta, GA?  You can.  We barely made ends meet, but we made it happen.

My point is, there's no replacement for hard work.  You can be given all the money in the world, but unless you're responsible, it won't last for long.

Did we 'make it' on our own?  Absolutely not.  As my dad always says, "No one makes it in this world on their own."  Remember how my parents covered my room & board those first two years?  And that job at the counseling center?  My boss hired me & put a lot of faith into me.  And when we moved to Atlanta, the church we were leaving totally rallied around us & many members gave us money & gift cards out of the goodness of their hearts.

And that's not even giving any credit to God, which really... He gets all the credit for anything we're able to accomplish.

So yes, no one makes it on their own, but at the same time, you can't expect things to be handed to you.  Nothing replaces hard work.

What Really Changed?

For the sake of blog writing/reading ease, I'm referring to the attacks on the World Trade Center & The Pentagon & all the other stuff that happened on 9/11/2001 as '9/11' in today's post.

In my attempt to watch to the news more often (I was missing major global events like earthquakes & tsunamis & space aliens), I've started turning it on in the evenings while I clean.  Earlier this week the question was posed, "How much has your life changed since 9/11/2001?"

The response was about like mine... quiet... thinking.  I mean, I know things have changed, but so much in my life would have changed anyway... what is a result of 9/11?  I was in 10th grade when it happened. I now drive a car, am married, have a kid on the way, have a college degree, live in another state... but I'm pretty sure those aren't a direct result of 9/11.

So what changed?  The news definitely helped remind me of just how much has changed... and reading my blog post from last year reminded me even more.

Airport security.  Seeing someone of middle eastern descent.  Military.  Jobs.  Presidents.

For me, a complete paradigm shift.

No, every time I see someone of middle eastern descent I don't automatically think of 9/11.  But something deep inside of me does feel different than when I see anyone else on the street.  Before 9/11, I'm not even sure I knew anyone of middle eastern descent.  I would almost go as far as to say that I'd never seen anyone in that category, but I'm sure I did somewhere along the way.  I just didn't live in an area where that was prevalent.

But I think for many it was a complete paradigm shift.  In last year's blog post about 9/11, I wrote that we assumed it was a horrific accident until the 2nd tower was hit.  At that point we were confused, and then quickly, a bigger story unravelled.

Today, if there is an accident, one of our first thoughts is an attack or potential attack.  A pilot on a plane is asleep and overshoots his landing... and we freak out because we assume it's an attack.  Why wouldn't we?

I wonder what my daughter will read about 9/11 in her history books.  Will she ask me about it?  Wonder how crazy it was that I was alive back then?  How old will she be when she learns about it?

As I babysat a 4 year old last week a commercial came on TV about remembering 9/11.  I wondered if she would ask about it, but she didn't.  It seemed to be just another commercial to her.  Might as well have been a commercial about Pearl Harbor or Independence Day (the 4th or July, not the movie).  It's inevitable.  As time goes on, we will forget the sting, that feeling.  And our kids will never fully understand it like the ones of us who lived through it.

So for you... what has changed?  What has stayed the same?

A question to make you go "Woah"

This was posted on Facebook yesterday by Anita Renfroe.  She's a hilarious comedienne & I posted her video "All the Wrinkled Ladies" here a few months ago last year.  Was that really a year ago?  But with all her laughs, she is a very wise woman.

"So Casey Anthony will probably be released soon and will possibly relocate and perhaps feel like she needs to find a church. What if it's yours? What if she's in your small group? In your living room?"

I don't really have much to say after that, but I think it's a powerful lesson in watching our tongue.  It's so easy to say things on Facebook, make judgements, etc... but how are we really supposed to act?

Osama bin Laden

It makes my stomach churn to look at him.  Yet I felt a tinge of sadness last night as I saw he'd been killed.

And I wasn't the only one.  Christians across America are speaking out today about their conflicting thoughts & feelings.

Are we happy he died?  Well, that seems wrong... would we wish anyone to actually go to hell for eternity?
Are we sad he died?  I mean... he's been the leader while a LOT of people have been killed-- people that were for him & those that he was against.
Are we happy for the lives saved?  Absolutely... I don't think anyone can argue with that.

I'd say it spans more than just Christians as well... to anyone that has a heart.  You're killing a life to save a life.  And we're taught that life is precious.  I believe that life is precious.  So now, if we're 'happy' about the death, are we saying one life isn't precious?

I've sorted through some of these thoughts myself, but I'm still throwing them out there because I'm sure others are still thinking through them.

*Either way, I'd like to give major props to our military.  Their lives have been put on the line countless times and I am eternally thankful for their sacrifice!*

Here is LosWhit's blog where zillions (okay, maybe not that many) of people are leaving their thoughts.

And on the other side, we have Steven Furtick's tweets from last night:

Two men I admire, but also paint two different pictures.  And here's one last tweet from last night that stuck with me.  It's true.

So what are your thoughts?  Are you struggling with the life vs. death issue today?  Are you happy/sad/relieved/scared?

Photography: The Back Story

I posted this on my photography blog yesterday and wanted to post it here as well!

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Why I decided to do photography as a business isn't a story I've shared with many because quite honestly, it's not a short conversation.  I usually stick with "I've always loved photography" and leave it at that.  But for those who really want to know, there's a much bigger, more personal story to it.

Truth is, I have always loved photography... always had a camera, and smashed many a point & shoot in the bottom of my book bag through my school years.  It was rare for me to ever be without a camera and when things went digital it rocked my world.

But on July 10, 2009, my life changed, and it spurred me to be more than just a girl with a camera.  I got the call around 5pm that my twin nieces had been born.

"Oh wow!  I thought they weren't due until the end of September?!"

They weren't-- they were 11 weeks early.  My mom then went on to tell me that one of my nieces had not lived for more than 30 minutes.  The other one was in the NICU.

We were slightly prepared for that-- we had been told that something may be wrong-- but it was all up in the air until they were born so early.  My husband and I were on a business trip with work and were just about to leave for NC to pick up our dogs.  I was so thankful that we had to go up there anyway because like any other family member, I felt the need to be there.

That weekend I watched my brother and the mother of those twins go through extremely difficult circumstances.  Suddenly they were faced with picking out names for both babies, signing birth certificates, a death certificate, and then the hospital asking what their plans were for Kyah, who had passed.

Thankfully, I had a friend whose family owned a funeral home.  I called and asked her what one does in this type of circumstance.  She pointed us in the right direction and to the right resources to get through the time.

Things were handled as best they could have been, but in the weeks and months afterwards, we realized we only had 2 pictures of Kyah, both snapped with a cell phone and neither one particularly fabulous.  Yet this was all we had to remember her by.  

I later learned about an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that sends professional photographers in to take pictures of the family and baby during times like these.  It's completely free to the family, and they have these pictures to remember forever.

If only... if only... we'd had pictures like that.  It helps the healing process.  It's something to show siblings later in life.  It's the only memories, and although it's a terribly difficult time, to see sweet memories in photos makes all the difference.

And somewhere along then, I decided that I needed to do more than just take some fun pictures whenever I'm around.  I need to do something bigger... to help people in my own way.

So I did.  I started learning all about the technical side of everything related to a camera.  A year later I put a name to it: Fowler Photo.  And now, almost another year later, I'm almost to the point where I'm close to submitting to become one of those photographers for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  I'm already a part of a group that takes pictures for babies in the NICU.

I'm also proud to announce that I'll be doing pictures for the March for Babies Peninsula/Newport News walk!  I can't think of a better organization to partner with-- they're really making a difference by giving hope to babies born too soon.

My husband told me the other day that he'd never seen me so passionate while pursuing something that I loved.  It's true.  I love this, and I if I'm able to make a living while helping families in these situations, then all the better.

Planned Parenthood.

Note: As always, this post doesn't necessarily reflect the thoughts or opinions of anyone else I know or associate with.  Just my opinion!

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I pretty much live in a cave when it comes to the news.  I mean to watch it, but I usually end up forgetting. So when Josh told me he had some potential bad news earlier this week, I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

That whole national budget thing?  How the government can't agree on a budget... that may end up affecting us more than we would expect.  Our passports are currently waiting to be processed.  And if they're not done by today, and the government shuts down, it could pretty much ruin our cruise we've already paid for.

I'm trying not to freak out because compared to everyone else who will be affected, this is small potatoes.  But it still bums me out.

So while stuck in a layover in Raleigh yesterday I caught a bit of the news about the budget and their issues-- turns out Planned Parenthood is right in the middle of the mix.  Here's a summary I found from here:

This strikes a chord with me.  For the past 3 years, Josh and I didn't have health insurance.  It wasn't too bad because we just didn't go to the doctor.  I've lived the majority of my life without health insurance, so I was used to it.  But it was the first time since we were married, so there was another issue that I hadn't had to deal with yet: birth control.

Yes, men, you can run away now if you want.

Josh & I knew we weren't ready for kids... we were still growing up and learning about each other and building a strong marriage.  Not to mention we were struggling financially anyway, and adding a kid to the mix would have made things extremely hard.

I tried going through the regular doctor, but the exam was expensive, and the monthly refill was $85.  So someone mentioned Planned Parenthood.  I gasped at first because I'd always been told it was an abortion clinic.  Then I started studying.  The exam was cheaper than at the regular doctor, and the monthly cost was $33.  It saved me over $624 a year.  Plus, I could save up and buy up to a year's worth at a time in order to keep from having to go to the office to pick it up every month.

Did it weird me out to be there?  A little, but I also know that they provided a service that I'm eternally thankful for.  Sure, it was a little weird when they assume I'm sleeping around, even after I tell them I'm married, but that's happened at the regular doctor, too.

I know they provide abortions, and yes, I'm completely against that.  But for women who are trying to make ends meet, going to an affordable doctor to get preventative care is extremely important.

Now, the 2nd paragraph above brings up a whole different point.  I can see their reasoning, and when it comes down to it, I really haven't researched enough to take an official stance on this particular bill.  I just want people to know that Planned Parenthood isn't just an abortion clinic.  They help women in need, too.  

"It's Time to Talk about It"

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.


Yes, Susan, each week is something-something week.  Each month is something month.


But this week is important to me.  So many people struggle with eating issues.  So many people.  I could tell stories about models in Europe who have died, or internet friends that I've known over the years who continually struggle.  Others who have overcome by the grace of God.


In college I did several research papers on this very topic.  I could go on and on about the startling statistics, and how even those statistics are no doubt incorrect because so many go untreated.  Here's just one website that a friend of mine made.  I'm proud of her as she is still on this journey and working very hard to overcome.

For these girls (and guys) who go through an eating disorder, it's beyond just a normal diet.  It's not a matter of having a strict diet and then "changing."  It takes over everything that they are.

Can you imagine something becoming more important that your everyday life with work, friends, and family?  Can you imagine staying at your house and being consumed with what you did or didn't eat-- rather than having fun with friends, rather than going on a date with your significant other?

It's a mind thing, and it's not something someone can just 'snap out of.'  It goes much deeper than that.  So if you know someone who you suspect is struggling with an eating disorder of any kind, be their friend.  Don't let them push you away.  Pray for them, and when the time is right, help them get help.

Overload.

Running 1,000 miles a minute... that's my life lately.

Actually, when has that NOT been my life?  The whole week an a half I didn't work back in August?  When I cleaned the whole house, revamped my photography business, and got a new job?

I have never been able to slow down long or take a personal day.  I missed exactly 10 days in grade school.  Five in kindergarden because of chickenpox and my grandfather passed away and we had to go to Florida. Then one day in 3rd grade, one in 7th, and three more sprinkled in high school.

Missing a day of work?  I tried to call in in high school.  We lived on the top of a mountain and had roughly a foot of snow.  My boss came to pick me up and I had to walk about half a mile in the snow because his truck, in fact, couldn't make it all the way up there.  Duh.  That's why I called in.

Then I missed a day for my great grandmother's funeral, and another for Josh's great-aunt's funeral.  Oh, and when I flew up to WEC last week!

Which reminds me... we need a vacation.  Last time Jo-Fowl and I went on vacay by ourselves: our honeymoon.  No weekend retreats, no whisking away for the week to a far away land.  But hey, we're debt free and I would gladly take than any day over two vacations a year... in Paris!

No really, it's that awesome to not stress over money.

Anywho... I started this post to tell y'all about the one zillion exciting things that are going on right now, and why I can't stay off facebook.

1) One of my adorable nieces is in a 'Cute Baby Contest.'  There was one last week, and there's a different one this week.  Please vote her her-- she's so stinkin' cute!  Click here and "Like" Blue Frame Photography (they did our family pictures earlier this year!), and then find the picture below, or just click here and "Like" her picture.

2) Hello... we're moving to Virginia in less than two weeks!  We bought a ton of boxes last night and are going to be packing and selling and making way too many trips to Goodwill (thank goodness it's only half a mile away!).  We don't have much stuff, but we hate feeling cramped, and since we're moving to a smaller place, we are downsizing so it doesn't feel smaller.  And we're fairly certain our couch won't fit at all.  If you live close, you can check out what we're getting rid of here.

our ATL apartment

3) Our house is about to be turned upside down.  Part of me loves it because every goes neat and orderly into boxes.  Junk gets thrown away, and that's therapeutic to me.  I grew up with 7 people living in 1500 square feet.  We didn't throw things away because we assumed that one of the other 6 people were probably using it, or it would most definitely come in handy at some point.

The other part of me hates it because everything will be in disarray.  My living room will be a disaster zone with bits of tape and cardboard everywhere.  And my 9 zillion piece china set[s] could possibly break.  Nerve racking.  Wracking? 

our Greenville apartment

4) I'm organizing a PhotoWalk for this weekend.  Am I crazy?  Of all the times I could have organized one of these?  I'm excited though.  I hope people show up because it will totally be awesome! It's for anyone who like to take pictures, and we'll even have a few models there!

5) I have several photo shoots lined up before we leave town.  If you live in upstate SC or western NC and have been thinking about having Fowler Photo do some pictures for you?  Now is the time-- 'cause we're leaving the Carolinas!  I do still have some times left, so get on it!  You can choose from the regular session, or a mini-session.

6) Work. My boss has been gracious enough to let me keep working for as long as I want, so I've got my work schedule to maintain!  It's bittersweet, though, because it really is an awesome job.

7) Josh is playing every single Sunday until we leave.  This week, Columbia.  Next week, Atlanta.  That means the day before we move, we'll be in Atlanta.  Oh yeah.  At least we'll get a chance to say thank you and goodbye to the guys down there.  The churches there have been really awesome to us, especially asking him to play even after we left the state!

8) Thanksgiving is next week. Hello!  We'll be saying "goodbye" to our families.  I put it in quotation marks because I know we'll be back to see them as often as possible.

9) Christmas cards. I generally have these addressed and stamped the week of Thanksgiving, and send them out December 1st.  I might be a day or week or so behind on that this year.  I hope not, but really... when am I going to do them?  Christmas tree. We moved this same time last year and managed to get a tree up, so I totally plan to still do it this year!  Christmas presents. About halfway done, and will have them waiting at my parents (or grandparents) house for the big Christmas Eve festivities.  We won't be there until after Christmas, but I want to make sure they have their presents to open so we can be there in spirit!

10) Photography. Yep, I mentioned it before, but there's the whole business side to it.  Wrapping things up here, getting everyone's final purchases to them... and then building everything up again in Virginia.  I've already started by getting a local number to Yorktown!  Don't worry, I still have my old number... and I'll never give it up (learned my lesson when we moved to Atlanta)-- I just have the local number ring to the same phone.

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In other words... I'm busy!  And if you actually made it through this list, you deserve a cookie!

Dancing in the Minefields

The other day a friend brought this song to my attention.  She said it reminded her of Josh & me, and that we have no idea what a ripple effect our marriage has had on others.

"Dancing in the Mine Fields" music video for Andrew Peterson from Grant Howard on Vimeo.

She's right... we have no idea at all.  But any kind of positive effect our marriage has is completely due to God.


As I listened to the song, the lyrics hit me hard.

Well I was 19 you were 21
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much to young
But we did it anyway
We got the rings for 40 each from a pawnshop down the road
We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago 

I was 19, Josh was 21 when we got married.  I believe our honeymoon suite was booked in my father's name.  I found two thin bands at a going out of business sale for $26 each.  Josh's was $49.

It didn't matter.  We were in love.

We went dancing in the minefields 

We went sailing in the storm 

And it was harder than we dreamed 

But I believe that’s what the promise is for 

Looking back, we've danced in a lot of minefields.  And boy, was it harder than we dreamed.

The first 2.5 years we lived in my hometown.  I finished up my college degree early, had a fabulous job at a counseling center, and Josh was in charge of creative arts and worship at a local church.  I knew he had always wanted to live in Atlanta, but he knew it scared me, so he was patient.

One day it was like I could hear God say, "Well, Susan, would you rather leave your family move now, or wait until you have kids?"

You see, for me it wasn't the part about moving to Atlanta that scared me, but rather moving away from my family.  They're precious to me.

But I decided I'd rather move before we have kids, so we did.

After a year in Atlanta, we got the opportunity to move to Greenville, SC.  And boy, were we ever excited!  It was a great mid-way point for both of us.  Beautiful city, low cost of living, and right between our families and Atlanta!

We signed a 9 month lease.  Nine months later, we signed a 14 month lease.  Two months later, we're moving to Virginia.

That's right, we're dancing again.  All the way to the coast of Virginia.

Josh has accepted a position with Waters Edge Church (WEC, if you will) in Yorktown, VA!

I'm excited and scared to death all at the same time.  But God is the same God who has provided for us every step of the way.  And we know that this is where He has chosen for us to be.

On our wedding day, exactly 4 and a half years ago, we made a promise to each other.  And this is what that promise is for.

Please pray for us as we set out on this new chapter in our lives.  I'm leaving behind a job that I dearly love, and family that I love even more.  But God will provide as we go dancing.

Cause he promised not to leave us 
And his promises are true 
So in the face of all this chaos baby 
I can dance with you 

Tough Stuff

Three years ago Josh got pulled over by a State Trooper.  His name was Shawn Blanton, and he was about the same age as Josh.

Six months later, his picture appeared on the local news one morning.  June 17, 2008, he was shot and killed during a traffic stop.

Shot and killed.

And he was Josh's age.

Over the next days and weeks, we learned quite a bit about Trooper Blanton.  And his wife.  They'd been married a little less than a year.  And they had a son, Tye.  He was a premie and only 2 weeks old when his dad was killed.


We learned that his wife, Michaela, was by Tye's side when she learned that her husband was in the emergency room of the same hospital with a gunshot wound.  It brings tears to my eyes to even think of it.

The mass majority of us in town had no way of even beginning to understand what his wife and family were going through.  Add a teeny tiny baby who was barely hanging on to life, and everyone was speechless.

I mean, what do you do if you are that person?  She lost her husband instantly and suddenly.  And she wasn't able to see him before he died.  Their lives together had really just begun.

A few months later, in October, Tye passed away, too.  He was just too fragile for this world.  If anyone on earth could have saved him, that baby would be alive today.  Everyone was pulling for him.

That was two years ago.  Thankfully, they caught the murderer that same night.  He went to trial in another county because there was no way on earth he would have a fair trial in the county where he'd killed a trooper.

And yesterday evening, the jury reach a verdict.  A unanimous verdict.  Guilty of first degree murder.

Having someone charged with murder doesn't bring our trooper back, and it doesn't give his wife her life back, but perhaps it does let us all rest just a tad bit easier at night.

My thoughts and prayers continue to go out to all the families involved.  It certainly can't be easy being on either side of this case.

Remember?

Today is September 11th.  Although it's a Saturday, I'm working.  I'm not upset though.  I recruit civilians to go overseas and support the troops.  Jobs like security on the bases, transportation, fire fighters... that kind of stuff.

It's cool.  I like it. And today, more than any other day, I understand what it means to do it.

A friend asked this question on his facebook yesterday and I'm going to throw it out again.

What were you doing when you heard about the attacks on the World Trade Center?

Me?  I was in 10th grade.  B building.  It was between classes and I heard something about an airplane being flown into the World Trade Center.

But I didn't know what the World Trade Center was.

And assumed that it was a horrific accident.

Why would I assume anything else?  It was a different world back then.

That was in the hallway by my locker between 1st and 2nd period.  Then when I got down to English class, it was all the buzz.  The teacher had the TV on, but when the bell rang, she tried to do class as usual.  She (none of us, really) knew exactly what was going on, and teachers can't just stop class every time there is buzz among students.

But then the teacher from the classroom next door burst in (literally) our classroom.  She was out of breath and said to turn the TV on-- that the second tower had just been hit.

We watched the TV for the rest of the class.  I'm glad my teacher learned quickly that history (although a terrible part of it) was being made.  And that history in the making trumps Shakespeare.

I still didn't know how to react.  I just learned about the WTC and that there are two really tall buildings next to each other in NYC.  It was a lot for my mind to process.

But throughout the day it began to sink in more and more.  As each class started the big question was if our teachers were going to let us watch it or not.  Let's face it... nothing else.... NOTHING else was on TV or radio.  NOTHING.


By lunchtime the teachers started to teach class again.  I had a test in one (history, of all classes!).  In another she let us listen to the radio while we worked (sewing).  But halfway through the class she got a message that listening to the coverage was potentially damaging for young minds to hear.  Or something like that.

It hadn't really occurred to me, but when I got to French class, there was a girl who had family who worked in the WTC.

Looking at it from the outside, I didn't know if it was better to not let her watch it, or to let her watch it.  They decided not to let her watch it, but she could call home to get updates.  Or something like that.

We didn't know how to handle it.  But looking back, we should have all stopped.  Reflected.  Prayed.

But we didn't know what to think when all of it was happening.

------------------------

One of my brothers was driving down the road when it happened.  He was listening to the radio and, since it was morning radio, assumed it was a prank.  They do pranks every single morning, so why would this one be different?

Then he changed the channel.  Same prank.

And again.

I'm not sure how many times he changed channels or when he realized what was really going on, but it shows the disbelief that we all had about the situation.

So what's your story?  What were you doing when you found out?  What did you think?  You can add it in the comments, of if you have a blog and wrote about it, leave a link and I'll add it to the bottom of this post.

God bless, and remember our troops today.  Remember the families of those who worked in the WTC.  Whether they're alive or not, they've been through hell.

project tiny.

Last summer the face of my family changed.  My brother's girlfriend was expecting twins, due near the end of September.  But July 10th, they were born.

Kyah & Sunaura.

Kyah's lungs were not strong enough to survive, and she passed away shortly after birth.

Sunaura, however, was perfect in every way.  Sure, she was tiny and had a lot of growing left to do, but for a premie as young as her, she was doing really great.

Then came 2 months of life in the NICU.

Anyone who has ever visited the NICU can see how stressful it is there.  Think about it... you either stay in that one spot for 2 months, or you have to leave the hospital and leave your baby.  That's terrible, but parents are having to do it all the time.

How awful it must feel to be at home at night while your baby is in the NICU.  I can't even imagine.

But that's not the point of this post.  I want to introduce you to project tiny.  Here's a few bits from their website:

Project Tiny is a volunteer organization in which professional photographers donate their time and talent to families with babies in the NICU. 



Project Tiny photographers offer a NICU session, as well as a coming home session. You will be presented with one set of prints for each session to remember this time together with your family.
 Under the discretion of each individual photographer, you may be offered complimentary  a 1 year session to show how just how far your tiny baby has come.


Families are in no way obligated to buy anything but may choose to purchase additional prints, albums, or sessions.

It wasn't even a thought to not volunteer for this.  It's awkward, as the family, to take pictures in the NICU.  People look at you like you're hurting the baby or something.  In fact, two of the pics above were snapped by my brother's cell phone.  But I think this is a step toward making it okay to make those memories in the NICU.  After all, these are the first days, weeks, months, of a child's life!

So that's what's going on in my life these days.  And if you think this is as awesome as I do, then there's ways you can help out, too.

Photographers:  of course, you can volunteer to take the photos!  Info for you is here.

Families & friends of NICU babies:  spread the word!

Doctors, nurses, etc:  talk to your hospital about getting involved.  Parents often don't have any idea about these types of services available to them.  The more people know, the more choices they have.  (Also, please, please check out http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ -- it's for families that aren't fortunate to have their babies even make it to the NICU-- something else I wish we had known about last July.)

Everything you need to know is on their website, so go check it out!  They also have a facebook page.

Happy Birthday, Sunaura!

Happy 1st Birthday, precious child.

When I heard of your birth it was a huge surprise.  I was excited, but scared.  You weren't due until the end of September!

This is the first picture your daddy (my brother) sent me:

I was elated to know that you were doing great and greatly saddened to hear about your precious sister.  We will never forget her, ever.  But we were so thankful to have you with us.  I prayed many times over for you and your family.  My family.

I was way in south Georgia, but we rushed to North Carolina to see you.  I was beyond excited to be able to meet you!  This was the first picture I took of you.  We didn't notice until the nurse came by that you had pulled the tube out of your nose and stuck it in your mouth!  We knew right then and there that you would be just fine.  Even at your tiny size you were kicking around like crazy!

I sat in the hospital room with your momma and daddy and family as they decided on the perfect name for you.  Your mom loved the movie "Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken," which is a true story about a girl who did horse diving back in the 1920's.  I had never heard of it, but it was her favorite movie from childhood.  She named you after her favorite (and main) character.

In the months ahead you wowed us with your attempts to lift your head well before the time you should. The doctors later told us you had cerebral palsy.  Oh, Sunaura, the prayers that went up for you.  We loved you no matter what any doctor said may come your way in the future.

July 28, 2009- 3lbs!

I knew that the tiny Sunaura I knew that pulled the oxygen out of her nose at less than 24 hours old... that Sunaura would fight through anything.

After a month and 5 days you were taken off of your feeding tube!  Your momma was so very excited, and your daddy sent pictures to everyone so we could see your adorable face without a tube!

Most premies do not get to come home from the hospital until at least their due date.  But you?  You came home early, my dear.  While you were still supposed to be in your mother's womb, you were hanging out at the house, 1 month and 10 days old.  August 20, 2009. Tiny, but alive and well.

The first time I held you was magical.  You had grown so much since your birth.  Your chubby cheeks were amazing!  And you had more hair than you do now.  I got to feed you your bottle and you were already trying to hold it up on your own-- even though it was still a week before your actual due date.  It was so great to feel your warmth... I didn't want to let go of you!

I love when your daddy sends me picture messages of you.  Growing, growing, growing.  That's what you do!

At Christmas everyone in the family passed you around.  We never wanted to let go of you, sweet child! You smiled and loved on us right back.

You have three big sisters that love and adore you.

And some aunts and uncles that would go to the ends of the earth for you!  And let's not even get started on your grandparents!

Your mom brought out momentos when I was visiting back in April. It was fun to look at your tiny foot prints from the hospital, and to compare the diapers from when you were first born to now!  And that tiny diaper was so big on you when you were born!

You may still not have hair, but you'll get it eventually.  If the past is an indicator, 2 of your sisters didn't have hair until they were two years old. So you'll be fine by kindergarten!

Sunaura, when you smile, you light up the world.  You've had a very busy first year, and I pray that in this next year you grow and begin to walk, run, and jump around!  I can't wait to take more pictures as you grow, even if you are terrified of my camera!

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Kyah, you are so special to our family.  We think of you and miss you.  It sounds funny because I never got to hold you or touch your cute little cheek.  I think you're probably a pretty mischievous little one, aren't you?  You had a smirk on your face in the picture...

Sounds kind of weird to say, and who knows how this all works, but I kind of hope you're hanging out with Whitney and Audrey.

I'm not sure what to get you for your birthday, but I am working towards a goal for you.  And for your family.  There is an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.   It's a group of photographers who take pictures of precious children like you so that their parents can have beautiful memories of life forever.  And they do it completely for free.  I wish I had known about this when you were born.  But I can help other families know about it.

I have a long way to go in my photography before I get there, but know that I'm doing it for you, precious child.

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an impression on this world."