When we were packing up to move Josh found a few pieces of paper covered in my handwriting. I grabbed it from him & hid while reading it. I was a little scared of what it might say, and when I read it, I was speechless. I just sat in the floor for about 15 minutes thinking.
I wish I could write it here because it was stellar writing. It was deep & intense. Too intense to share.
The gist: I've always had issues with self worth. Insecurity.
I wrote about times in elementary school that I feared my friends secretly disliked me. It went on to middle school when two girls pointed at a picture of me at a pool party & laughed at my swimsuit & my fat tummy. I still remember their names. It continued throughout high school. At that point I was so insecure that I made it nearly impossible to really be my friend. Sure, I had girls that I hung out with all the time, but I always wondered if they even really liked being my friend.
Honestly, I still wonder. I mean, on one hand, how could they have even liked the person I was back then? The person I am now? And on the other hand, the fact that they continued to hang out with me probably means they were the best of friends... because I sure didn't make it easy for them.
It's always been easy to say, "Oh, I'd rather hang out with the guys... they're less drama." It's true. I never felt that insecurity around the guys. They were pretty direct. But truthfully, it was a cop-out because I hated being so insecure. It was uncomfortable.
By college I shut all my friends out. I was working two jobs & taking extra classes to graduate early. I got married after my sophomore year & then added on a 30 minutes commute. It was easier to just not have friends.
Over & over, insecurity has reared its ugly head. I'll have a great stride for awhile & then fall apart. I'll put on the brave face & laugh it off. If I face my fears enough, they have to go away, right?
And then enters the guilt.
How silly am I to be so obsessed with this? There are people with real needs, real problems. And I'm over here worried that the whole world secretly hates me.
Also, I have a ton of friends that I know I can call at a moments notice & they will totally be right there for me. They would drop everything, and I would for them.
How selfish am I? How selfish am I to think that so many people spend so much time thinking about me? I'm like an ant on this earth. I should be incredibly thankful for the amazing friends I have.
And I am. I'm very thankful.
Every day I'm reminded of just how faithful God is. When we moved to Virginia three years ago, Josh told me he wanted me to make female friends here. Friends to hang out with, to really get to know. I agreed, but really didn't put any effort into it. I'm so thankful that others put that effort into me.
I still find it hard to call up someone just to chat. In fact, I don't. And it's still hard for me to believe that someone would want to spend time with me just for fun. But slowly I'm starting to get over that. I have to. And I'm thankful for that.